Maturity a major parenting plus
August 23, 2007
By GLORIA
CARR STAFF WRITER
The Courier News::Lifestyles
Here's a bit of advice for expectant mom Nicole Richie: Don't
follow the Britney Spears approach to parenting.
Tabloids have had screaming headlines over the past few weeks critical over Spears' parenting skills, including a photo of her sons, 23-month-old Sean Preston Federline and 11-month-old Jayden James Federline, with the word "Help" in bold letters.
Out-A-Box Parenting Inc. founder Christie Clarke has heard the stories, just like the rest of us. But Clarke has a different perspective. She teaches parenting courses at Elgin Community College and consults with parents on child-rearing issues. Clarke feels part of Spears' problems stems from her immaturity.
"My observation
is that children are having children. It sounds a little trite
but maturity has nothing to do with age," says Christie
Clarke. "If Britney, bless her heart, has never really grown
up herself, it is going to be real hard for her children to grow
up."
Clarke adds, "When you look at your children as accessories,"
thinking, "'I'll look so cute pregnant' ... it becomes a
shock when the reality of responsibility sets in."
Clarke is an independent facilitator for the Love and Logic programs based in Denver, Colo., a world-renowned parenting method that focuses on respect, choices and accountability.
Dysfunction the
norm: Television shows like Supernanny and Nanny 911 highlight
the parenting problems average Americans are having while the
Britney Spears saga highlights what parents should not do, she
says.
"It is like she went down a list of everything that should
be done and did the opposite," Clarke says.
Children need stability, not constant traveling as Spears apparently does, she says. Her mood swings, from shaving her head to being snapped in various questionable photos, is not good for her children because they are seeing her out of control, says Clarke, who thinks Spears is trying to find herself.
"If you are focused on yourself instead of your important position as a parent, how can you do that job well?" Clarke says. "From what I know about her activities, she has severed ties with her mom, and her children don't have that validity and stability of three generations. It provides richness to a child.
"I would tell her, 'Get in touch with your mom; grandmas are great,'" Clarke says.
Yet what Spears is going through as a parent is not uncommon in average families, she says.
Clarke finds that a lot of parents are in denial, seeking her advice for "friends" who are having problems.
"Parents are feeling they don't have control over their life and family," Clarke says. "If parents feel they don't have control, there is no anchor for the children."
She also finds parents are "desperate for help. It's like they are skating on ice on a pond and sliding every which way. There is a lot of opinion out there but not much solid information," she says.
The nanny shows are more real than people think, she says, adding she has been in homes like those depicted on television.
"The good news (from such shows) is seeing that there are families worse that mine; it gives them hope," Clarke says. "The bad news is ... our kids are use to seeing families that are dysfunctional and because of the canned laughter in the background think it is OK to disrespect and ridicule."
Maintain control:
Clarke says parents
will throw out all their other parenting books after using the
Love and Logic approach. What she finds is by giving children
choices, parents are sharing control yet maintaining control,
she says.
"It is a totally win-win situation when kids are allowed
to make choices," Clarke says. "This is not at all
permissive. The parents make the choice first. I would say, 'Would
you like milk or juice for dinner?' As a parent, I want my child
to have a beverage that is healthy. I know what the outcome needs
to be, I let (the child) decide how to get there."
If the child says pop, you repeat the choices, she says.
The accountability aspect would be not having anything to drink with dinner, she says.
A key also is the tone of voice, Clarke says. She often observes parents becoming frustrated and screaming.
"Anger and frustration fuel misbehavior," she says. "You can't be out of control. I find very often is it a matter of breathing before you speak."
The grandmother of three says her four daughters have benefited from the approach she now teaches. Her daughter told her "being a good parent has to do with being a good person," Clarke says. "It was very profound. When you begin to love who you are as a human being and find value in yourself, you are sharing the best of who you are with your children."
Take heed, Britney. Parenting Advice for the Stars